Episode 9: From Pressure to Pleasure: Overcoming Performance Anxiety
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“We're conditioned to see sex as a performance or a show because most of the places that we learn about sex is through actual performances, whether that's in the movies, or porn, or some other media; what we often see is a scripted performance. It's usually not an authentic expression of passion and connection between real lovers. They're usually actors, or even if they are real lovers, there's often still such an emphasis on it being a performance that needs to be engaging for an audience, for a viewer. So a lot of those more subtle, nuanced, and deeper moments of connection are not brought forth in the artist’s film. Some of the juiciest moments that we can share with a lover are when there's such a deep connection and we're breathing together and we're feeling each other.
“You could have all the technique and think that you have all the moves, but if you're not present, if you don't know how to listen, if you're too wrapped up in performing, getting it right, and being the best lover your lover's ever had, you're often going to miss the point. Because trying to make sex a performance takes us out of the present moment, the present experience, which takes us out of connection.
And when sex unwittingly becomes an ego battle, rather than a connective active presence, it becomes far less fun. We can get stuck in our heads and feel so much more pressure than pleasure.”
“What we often call sexual dysfunctions are actually a mirror into what could be misaligned or what's needed in a situation, or what's out of balance. They're not actually usually a problem; they're just the body's way of communicating. So for example, If you can't get hard or you're not wet yet, maybe you need to come into deeper connection, maybe you need to slow down, take your time, and come back into your breath and your body.
And there are all kinds of ways we can play and really build the sexual energy between us and deepen our connection. So many things we can do with our bodies besides just penetration or any of the other things we want to do that we feel require our bodies to show up in a certain way. So I encourage you to use limitations as an invitation to explore more creatively and non-linearly.”
“Even if you've been making love with the same person for 20 years, you are both different people in each moment. So we never want to get in a space of feeling like we have someone all figured out and like we have this playbook or this trajectory of where we're going to go. There is no playbook. And as soon as we have a trajectory or an expectation of how sex is going to go, we're not present with the unique unfolding magic of the moment.”
“What happens when we approach sex as play time, rather than Showtime? I want to invite you to really ponder this because this is a pretty mind blowing concept. How might we go about having sex if we had never seen anyone else do it? Literally, if we had never seen anyone else do it. In person, in the movies, and porn, what if we had no idea what it looked like to see other people have sex?
Can you imagine the curiosity and the creativity, the true expression and embodied presence rather than trajectory, expectation and performance that would come through?”
“One of my biggest discoveries in this path of work, in my own journey, is that sex is an incredible place to come to, to heal all kinds of things. Not just our sexual wounds, but all kinds of wounds. It's a place for energy to move, for tears to flow, for the body to relax and release and open, and to let go of our masks, to totally come undone, to be in our most authentic expression, to come home to our truest self. So if we're too focused on pleasure - you know, even that is a goal in itself - if we’re too focused on making it pleasurable, or making it fun, we can miss the healing that wants to take place in those deeper realms.”